Hello investigators! This is Lee the Agent. Recently there has been some anti-hippo sentiment on this blog - even the insinuation that the hippo is not the manliest animal in existence. The hippo has long been acknowledged the most dangerous animal in Africa. This is fact. And, in the last fifteen years, they have actually invaded South America as well. In the interest of a balanced education, and in fighting the needless defamation of a certain mandrill, I have included here excerpts from a work which I stole from my local library. Enjoy.
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Chapter 1
Good morning, afternoon, or evening, dear sir of madam, and thank you for reading even this much (and hopefully the rest!) of this finely crafted academic work. My name is Dr. Elmo Elasmus Throbton, PhD, and it is my inestimable pleasure to be your guide on a tour through the history and modern life of the great African hippopotamus. These handsome creatures have been the object of my academic affection since I first started noticing the majesty of these animals, around my fateful entrance into the 7th grade. Since then I have been enchanted with biology, and especially with these robust stallions of the Nile - and beyond!
Many laymen, and even my somewhat unromantic colleagues feel that the hippopotamus is nothing more than a filthy, violent animal (or, as the dainty Greeks knew him, the Beast of the Nile). This is far from the truth. "Hippos", as they are colloquially known, are merely cruel and violent out of a well-founded sense of superiority over humans, crocodiles, riverboats, and all other objects of their scorn and brutality. Lord, how I long to be such a noble beast! Merely to find myself suddenly thrust somehow into the body of one of these enormous mammals for even a few ecstatic minutes would be more than enough of an experience for this scientist. Would that my humble, nightly prayers were answered. But, I digress.
To illustrate the vast influence the hippo has had on the world, particularly human society, I will begin the first subchapter of this ambitious 768-page work with a whirlwind tour which I have dubbed: Hippos in Time - the Long Tale of an Enormous Animal. Let us begin our far-flung journey in ancient Greece, where the mighty hippo consorted with those sandal-wearing boy-lovers from across the Mediterranean.
Many have speculated on the true history of the so-called Colossus of Rhodes, that mysterious and now missing wonder of the ancient world. In truth, the statue was not a representation of the Greek god Helios, but rather of the noble hippopotamus. Erected in an attempt to placate the hippos, those angry jungle-gods of the south that haunted nightly the dreams of young Greek slave-boys, the statue straddled the harbor mouth, terrifying with a stern look all those who dared enter the city. Oh, but that I could travel back in time and lie beneath such a beautiful work of art! But, again, I digress. Here's a fun fact: the hippo's teeth were made of real ivory harvested from the corpses of, according to Pliny the Elder, over one thousand elephants. The eyes of the statues were also made of ivory, out of truly hippopotean spite!
Sadly, the statue would later fall and be purchased by Persian fakirs who, according the Moroccan explorer Ibn Battuta, used desert magic to animate it as a terrifying golem. For their impertinence in losing the statue, the Greeks were forced to submit their most beautiful women to sacrifice every at the hippo's hands (or hooves!). A muddled account of these events would later become the fanciful story of the Cretian minotaur.
Their encounter with the Greeks proved very sweet to our artiodactylan masters of the African jungle, and they would eventually engage in many such cruel interactions with human society. Our little tour takes us next to the city of Rome in the first century A.D., where the infamous emperor Caligula reigned supreme. Much has been made of Caligula's cruelty, hedonism, murderous tenancies, bizarre sexual practices, and so on. However, I must admit that I know very little of his supposed bi-sexual orgies, incestuous advances, and even (dare I say it) bestiality, having never had any approval whatsoever for sexual deviancy. But I digress.
Our knowledge of the involvement of the stately hippopotamus during this time actually owes chiefly to a very recent paper published by an associate of mine, Dr. Fernando Diviancia, who uncovered ancient texts mentioning the presence of a "pet" hippopotamus in Caligula's palace that appeared in 36 A.D.
Knowing that only a year later the emperor was aid to undergo an 'illness' that marked a definite change in his habits, I naturally investigated. Two years later I had confirmed what I always suspected. Just before his illness, during which time he was not seen by nearly anyone, a body, supposedly of a dead homosexual acquaintance of Caligula, was snuck from the premises and buried nearby. Although I cannot prove it, I would wager my entire collection of hippo memorabilia that the body was Caligula's own. And the man who returned to control of Rome? Clearly, he was none other that the "pet" hippopotamus himself using a clever disguise. Perhaps you, like my dour colleagues, have some doubts. If so, you need look only to his inhuman cruelty and surely you will begin to understand the truth. 450 scant years later, the empire fell. Coincidence? Or the fruits of a long-running hippo plot? You tell me.
Regardless, it can surely not be denied that Roman history is full of hippo's in the room. Ha ha. Another famous example is that of Nero, the pyromaniacal fiddler who...
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Compelling stuff. Unfortunately, those of you hooked on hippo fever will just have to wait until next time for more tales of these savage beasts.
Lee out.
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